VTK-OILSJT babbelbox :: Bekijk onderwerp

Snijs · Vice-praeses

If you drop a phonograph needle on Chuck Norris' nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' Pet Sounds.

If you disagree with Chuck Norris, he'll karate chop you in to a bajillion pieces. He is aware that this is not a number, but if you call him on it, he'll roundhouse kick you in to a quabillion.

Chuck Noris's chest hair has chest hair.

Chuck Norris drinks milk and shits yogurt.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris knows the sound of one hand clapping.

Kevlar is made out of Chuch Norris's beard.

Chuck Norris is desperately working on a way to have sexual intercourse with himself because he has finally realized that he is the sexiest person on the planet... and everyone knows that Chuck Norris does not settle for second best.

Chuck Norris shot 2pac and Biggie, but the police were too afraid to actually arrest him in fear of being roundhouse kicked and sodomized.

Chuck Norris has slept with every woman in the world just to be absolutely sure that he has fucked your wife.

A girl once broke Chuck Norris's heart. In return, he broke her neck.
Chuck Norris' penis has a social security number.

In the early 1980s, Chuck Norris took a ragtag team of lovable losers and turned them into the state football champions. During their victory celebrations, he walked up to the star quarterback and snapped his neck to teach the rest of the team a valuable lesson about the mortality of man.

Jupiter�s Great Red Spot isn�t a storm. It's where Chuck Norris puts his victims.

The only thing hairier than Chuck Norris's beard are his balls.

Steven Segal is Chuck Norris� bitch. When Chuck Norris is hungry, he says, "Bitch, make me a sandwich." Steven Segal would then make a sandwich.

Very few women have survived sex with Chuck Norris. He ejaculates poison tipped arrows.

The Chuck Norris diet consists of nails, drug dealers and children.

If there was such thing as a Chuck Norris doll you can be certain Pinocchio would stop his fucking lying.

Chuck Norris uses a hedgehog as a pillow.

Germans suffered 4 millon casualties during World War 2. 80% were roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris, the rest ate nails to avoid the suffering.

The sweat from Chuck Norris' testicles is considered a delicacy in certain regions of Guatemala.

Chuck Norris doesn't make love to his wife, he just gets less angry at her.

The temperature on Chuck Norris' testicles is 750 degrees celsius. That is because his sperm can breath fire and shit lightning.

Chuck Norris does not need a remote for his TV. He simply gives it "the look" and the television changes channels by itself.

Chuck Norris once juggled a soccer ball 2,357 times... with just his penis.

Chuck Norris makes Jehovah's Witnesses eat the pamphlets they give him.

Chuck Norris tells time by staring directly into the sun.

By the time Chuck Norris has finished shaving his beard has grown back.

Chuck Norris learned to read as a newborn in the hosptial while studying his ID bracelet. When he realized his mother had given him the middle name "Les" thereby making him Chuck-Les, he roundhouse kicked her in the face, and said his first words - "Who's laughing now?"

Even making eye contact with Chuck Norris on televison has been known to make men shit their pants in fear.

Chuck Norris can ejaculate through solid steel.

There is a little bit of Chuck Norris in each and every one of us. Mainly due to rape.

Chuck Norris was curious to see if the Statue of Liberty was shaved. He found that there was only one other thing thicker than his beard. So in anger he roundhouse kicked the Statue of liberty in the clit. By doing this he gave her such a huge orgasm that the rumble caused Mt. St. Helens to erupt, thus proving the female orgasm is NOT a myth. Thank you Dr. Norris.

Chuck Norris killed the Pope with a roundhouse kick to the chest after an argument over who had a better beard, Jesus or Norris.

When Chuck Norris gives a thumbs up, it means that his penis is now erect.

What came first, the chicken or the egg? Neither. Chuck Norris came first.

Ever heard of the saying, "you can't squeeze blood from a stone?" Chuck Norris hasn't. There's a reason for that.

Whenever Chuck Norris needs a new pair of boots he just goes out and kicks through a cow.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.

Chuck Norris once beat Terry Schiavo in a staring contest.

Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Muhammad Ali does not have Parkinson's. He simply shivers in the fear the Chuck Norris will kill him.

Chuck Norris raised his IQ by eating gifted children.

There is no gravity. You're being held down purely by Chuck Norris' animal magnetism.

Andacondas can grow up to over 30 feet long, and dislocate their jaws so they can open their mouths exeptionaly wide. But they still cant deep throat Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris is smiling, he just killed your dad.

Chuck Norris will never die because God is afraid he will take over heaven.

Chuck Norris' penis has a toe nail.

Chuck Norris once leaned against a tower in Pisa, Italy.

Chuck Norris only masterbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris ties dead puppies to his feet to simulate real blood spraying from the faces of his stunt actors.

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with Napalm.

When you die, the last thing you see is Chuck Norris.

Each individual sperm cell in Chuck Norris' semen has a beard.

Watching a Chuck Norris movie will make your testicles grow 12%. And this actually happens with females too.

Chuck Norris will never "kick the bucket", instead he will obliterate the bucket, becoming the first person to live forever, keeping the world safe from alien invasions.

Matthys · Powerpraeses

paar goeikes nog

Snijs · Vice-praeses

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

A recent poll discovered 93% of women think about Chuck Norris during sex. A similar poll discovered Chuck Norris thinks about Chuck Norris 100% of the time during sex.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

The only thing that is more of a threat to your vision than staring directly at a solar eclipse is making eye contact with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can survive for 17 years in the desert without a source of water. His secret? He can squeeze water out of sand grains with his incomparable strength.

The sun hides in fear every time Chuck Norris masturbates. We know these periods of darkness as "night".

Chuck Norris never showers... because he never breaks a sweat.

Chuck Norris held the world record for the Rubik's Cube at 6 seconds until he broke it himself in 3 seconds - this time with his penis fully erect.

Chuck Norris' beard once had it's own series on daytime TV. The beard gave advice to quarreling couples on how to resolve their differences. Unfortunately it was axed after the beard advised one man to rip off one of his wife's arms and make her stir his soup PROPERLY.

Chuck Norris won the Ironman Triathlon with a piano strapped to his back. Along the way he had sex with 59 women and one one man who was quote "bitching about his wife drowning from an orgasm." When he was given the medal, Chuck explained that he was just moving his piano and didn't realize that there was actually a race.

Chuck Norris sucks at "color by numbers" becuase his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunatly all blood is fucking red.

Chuck Norris doesn't see the color red, he hears it.

Chuck Norris proposed to his wife by spelling out "Will you marry me?" in semen. Needless to say, she said yes.

Chuck Norris uses his forehead as a flyswatter... and he has never missed.

Chuck Norris's friends once threw him a surprise birthday party. Unfortunately, when Chuck Norris unexpectedly saw all those people in his house, his mind involuntarily went into "defense/kill" mode. Chuck Norris lost many dear friends that day.

Chuck Norris does not shave with a conventional razor, he simply coats his head in blood and dips his face into a shark tank.

It is impossible for Chuck Norris to rape anyone because who would turn Chuck Norris down?

Chuck Norris doesn't bleed. The red is a warning sign.

Chuck Norris doesn't need birth control. His sperm destroys the egg.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris snorts anthrax.

Chuck Norris's poop is used as currency in Argentina.

It's a little known fact that only three things will survive the apocalypse: cockroaches, Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris' beard.

Back in highschool, Chuck Norris was the QB of his football team. In the last game of the season, Chuck through an interception. As the opponent was returning the ball Chuck gave him a roundhouse kick and knocked his head off. Instead of picking up the ball, he picked up his opponents head and punted it through the up-rights.

Jesus was sent to die for the sins of man when it became apparent that his older brother, Chuck Norris, was incapable of dying.

Chuck keeps tryin' to donate sperm, but the receptionist keeps getting pregnant.

Chuck Norris wears live rabbits as bunny slippers. He puts on said slippers every morning by kicking the rabbits in their anus.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

Chuck Norris once had sex with the Queen of England. When she asked him to cuddle, he roundhouse kicked her in the ovary and then bit off her leg - just to prove a point. Chuck Norris does not cuddle, because Chuck Norris is not a pussy.

Because of Chuck Norris' sheer amazingness, there has only been one woman brave enough to try and make love to Chuck Norris with the light on. Her name was Terry Schiavo.

It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: The Light Side, The Dark Side, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris created a circle with corners.

Chuck Norris once raped a rhino, just to show how badass he can be.

Chuck Norris does not use toilet paper to wipe his ass. He simply uses the woman he slept with the night before.

When Neil Armstrong uttered "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." on the moon in 1969, he failed to notice Chuck Norris sitting behind him in a lawnchair, a beer in hand, until Chuck Norris gave Armstrong a swift roundhouse kick to the face. Armstrong never returned.

After filming Delta Force, Lee Marvin admitted that Chuck Norris is the only person ever capable of winning a staring contest with God while getting a blowjob.

There are 342 parts of Chuck Norris's body that he can kill you with. Chuck Norris can kill two people simultaneously with his nipple.

Chuck Norris�s sperm is so fertile that a woman without ovaries, a uterus, or even a vagina is still guaranteed to become pregnant if she has sex with him.

Chuck Norris had sex with your mom, and your dad gave him a high five.

When Chuck Norris wants to get drunk he mixes 2 kg of pure heroine with 4 L of straight Whiskey. The actual drink has little to no effect on him but he acts drunk to seem cooler to his friends.

Chuck Norris can do 1000 push-ups with his penis.

Chuck Norris spent 10 years in a tiger cage in Vietnam. Not because he was caught by the Vietcong. But because he wanted to spend some time alone with his thoughts.

Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."

Chuck Norris' sweat is actually pure whiskey.

Ilse · Geregistreerd op: 31-3-2005

Ik zal me vast compleet belachelijk maken, maar wie is Chuck Norris?

Simon · Carnavalpraeses

Ilse · Geregistreerd op: 31-3-2005

Is dit hem? Die slechte acteur?

Matthys · Powerpraeses

Snijs · Vice-praeses

Chuck Norris = Walker Texas Ranger = Gerechtigheid!

Keymeulen · Computerpraeses

Nog een paar nieuwe...

# Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. But he is so badass, he has never cried. Ever.

# Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

# Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

# The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

# If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

# Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

# Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers
the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

# Chuck Norris doesn�t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

# Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

# In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

# There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

# Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

# Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

# Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

# If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

# Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

# Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

# There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

# Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

# Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

# Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

# When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

# The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

# A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

# Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

# Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

# The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

# Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

# Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

# Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

# Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

# Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

# Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

# Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

# Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.

# Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother�s womb.

# If you say Chuck Norris' name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.

# If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

# In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

# Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.

# There are no weapons of mass destruction. Just Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

# Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.

# Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.

# Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

# Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

# Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Matthys · Powerpraeses

# Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

# Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Simon · Carnavalpraeses

Keymeulen · Computerpraeses

Random Facts about Mr. T

Mr. T invented foos. Realizing his mistake, he invented pity.

Despite popular belief, Mr. T in fact ended the civil rights movement by getting on a bus....and all the whiteys be moving to the back.

Every time a church bell rings, Mr. T pities a foo.

Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.

There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to walk.

Mr. T once pitied the Sun. An ice age followed.

The last time Mr. T went to McDonald's, Ronald McDonald greeted him. What occured next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded in human history.

Every time Mr. T pities the foo, a pornstar regains her virginity. Then proceeds to lose it to Mr. T.

Mr. T took Mother Nature from behind. We refer to the event as the Big Bang.

Mr. T once bit off more than he could chew. He ate it anyway, foo'.

Mr. T, contrary to popular belief, doesn�t need to eat or drink. He absorves the energies of the crushed self-esteem from the ones he had pitied.

Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.

Like King Midas, everything Mr. T touches turns to gold, even food. Unlike King Midas, Mr. T has learned to ingest gold, like a real man would.

Mr. T. does not break wind. He destroys it.

When Mr. T received his star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame, he made his hand prints after the cement was dry.

Mr. T didn't know Rocky was a movie. He just wanted to kick the shit out of a white guy and steal his bitch, A-team style.

Mr. T's pity for fools is used by mathematicians as a demonstration of the concept of infinity.

As a child MR. T used to go into the sewers of NY and hunt alligators. I know what you are thinking: �There are no alligators in the sewers of NY�. Yeah...Now!

Mr. T destroyed the periodic table, saying Mr. T. only recognizes the element of surprise.

The word "fool" originates from the time God created the universe without first obtaining a permit from Mr. T. T was so angry he made God permanently invisible.

Mr. T hates playing 'Rock Paper Scissors' because he doesn't believe anything could beat rock. He always chooses rock, and when someone throws paper, he says,"I win." If someone is foolish enough to dispute this, he takes his clenched fist and punches them in the face, then says, "I thought your paper would protect you."

Mr. T scared the black out of Michael Jackson.

The last time Mr.T went hunting he got a 10 point buck, a white rhino and two bald eagles... He is no longer allowed into the Zoo.

The last man who made eye contact with Mr. T was Ray Charles.

Mr. T thinks Cotton is for wusses, therefor his clothes are made of 100% children

Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at Denny's forgot his birthday.

Mr. T isn't afraid of flying, but God fears the consequences of letting him fall.

Mr. T walked in front of a speeding bus. Needless to say, he was charged with 7 counts of manslaughter.

Human females have two X chromosomes. Males have an X and a Y. Mr. T has three Ys and a T. He's more man than you'll ever be.

Mr. T was almost involved in a second car crash. To avoid the crash, he folded his arms and slowly shook his head. The car decided it was safer to avoid Mr. T.

Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.

Mr. T wears brass knuckles because he fears the consequences of hitting someone with his bare fists.

Mr. T puts the laughter in manslaughter.

It took five women 2 years to give birth to Mr. T.

Mr. T once ate four 72 oz. steaks in 12 minutes. He spent the first 5 minutes laughing at the fact it takes Chuck Norris fifteen minutes to eat three.

Matthys · Powerpraeses

En zingen kan hij ook al!

Matthys · Powerpraeses

den chuck

swimmingfish · Geregistreerd op: 30-5-2005